A heart metamorphosis

Part one

When my father died, my heart stopped. I’ve never thought it would work again.

You see, death is a very complex concept. No one teaches us how to act when one of your dearest persons dies. I guess, no one can. Each person acts and reacts in a unique manner. Believe me, people will judge you for everything you do, even for this. It is in our nature, some would say. Actually, I don’t think that’s right. A man is not what his thoughts are, but his doings.

I could see it coming.
I thought that I was prepared.
I was wrong.

Even if I didn’t want to realize it then, I was very scared. It was like my whole world was falling apart. Eventually it did. Sooner than expected. He would have wanted me to be strong, to have the balls whenever I wanted to do something. To have someone worthy of my heart. To be happy. To always be myself. This is what each father wants for his daughter.
No one knows how strong he is until faced with a burden. The pain, you see, it can be like a blade, cutting everything in its way.

Photo by Sonja Langford on Unsplash

What kills me the most is that I didn’t manage to say goodbye as I would have wanted to. When my mother called me to tell me, I screamed like all the feelings stroke out at the same time. I cried and I cried until I arrived at the hospital. Everything stopped then. My heart shut down. Out of the blue. Almost everyone thought in that period that I felt nothing. I was acting like that, but it was killing me inside.

I made three promises to my dad:

  • That I would never let anyone have my heart if he wasn’t worthy of it.
  • That I would not spend time with a man if I knew he was not the one.
  • That I would always be myself, no matter the cost.

I tried to keep my promises. Time passed and I felt soulless. I didn’t want to come home because it seemed like I didn’t have one anymore. Suddenly, I was alone half of the day and I was broken all the time, even when I laughed. Some men crossed my path during time, but I realized that I was worthy of so much more. I knew what I wanted. I guess that was my problem. I used to be so naive, but I changed. I became cold. My beliefs were totally shaken. I couldn’t believe in love anymore. I couldn’t love anymore because it was not in my ability to do so. I couldn’t find the right man.

One day, I gave up the search. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I was telling my friends the stories I wanted to believe in because I knew it would help them. I knew it would give them hope for the better. Though I couldn’t do that for myself.

Photo by Plush Design Studio on Unsplash

All the stories that humankind knows have a grain of truth. Beauty and the Beast, Cinderella, etc. show us that love does exist. I bet you would tell me that stories are just fairy tales, but their existence is based on the people needs. How come? Are you aware of the factfulness of soul mates? Of the Love… Yes, capital letters?!

People spend their whole lives searching for that kind of love and some of them are lucky enough to find it. What is their secret? They knew where to look? I bet not. They believed and they were also realistic. Reality is different from the stories, from the fairy tales, call them as you want to. In every day’s life there is struggle, there are burdens, tears, fights. Love is not only a feeling, but a partnership, a commitment, something that is built and strengthened together.

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